A child should experience love as safe and stable and should not have to earn love through their choice of one parent over the other. When parents are in a custody battle, they will often raise their children in a manner that creates an environment where they feel loved by one parent and, as a result, create tension with the other parent. Once this tension develops between the two parents, the child learns that establishing emotional connections with one parent may create conflictual relationships with the other parent. As a result, the child alters his or her behavior and emotional responses based on what each parent wants to maintain harmony in the situation.
One of the most heartbreaking consequences of parental alienation occurs when the bond between children and parents is destroyed. Unfortunately, the devastation caused by parental alienation does not stop there: It also affects every area of a child’s life (including their capacity to feel loved and secure) and will have consequences for years into the future, possibly even for their entire lifetime, in terms of how they perceive themselves and their abilities to form future relationships with others.
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How Children Become Emotionally Caught Between Parents?
Most kids have a desire to be connected to both parents without regard to separation/divorce. Throughout a parent’s breakup, most kids will (still) seek emotional closeness from both parents. Things start to go wrong when parents put their children in the middle of the emotional pressure caused by constant arguments.
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In some cases, this pressure comes in the form of direct criticism or blame from the other parent. In other situations, it comes in the form of indirect pressure, such as the other parent expressing how angry they are with the child when the child talks about enjoying being with the other parent, or indirectly causing the child to feel guilty for enjoying time with that parent. Eventually, the child learns which feelings are “safe” to express and which ones cause tension in their relationship with one or both parents.
When a child feels they have to make an effort not to express their true feelings, it may result in a gradual distancing from their other parent. In these instances, this distancing occurs as a result of emotional support becoming conditionally based on performances determined solely by the preferred parent, rather than through the child’s own knowledge and experiences.
One of the greatest challenges with children who have been abused through parental alienation is that they sometimes don’t even know that these feelings have been inflicted on them. Children may feel as if they have experienced and made their own emotional changes; however, the many emotional manipulation techniques used in parental alienation can lead to these changes.
Parental alienation creates an emotionally impossible situation for the child. By forcing them to choose between their parents, they are left with guilt, confusion, fear, and loyalty when they should be developing their emotional intelligence and learning about how to have and maintain healthy relationships.
A frequent result is anxiety for children. The child may be anxious about showing affection toward one parent, out of fear of upsetting the other parent. Ordinary interactions (such as discussing an outing, receiving a call, and demonstrating enthusiasm) can generate high levels of emotional distress for the child.
A child may begin to feel conflicted or ashamed. Children can often love the parent who has been abandoned but cannot express it to others. This feeling of confusion can create confusion about how they think and feel.
Some kids will develop hard belief systems about the way their parents are; so, one parent is good, and the other parent is bad. The child will create this emotional simplification, which helps them internally, but creates an imbalance and does not assist them in developing healthy views of relationships.
As children develop from these emotional patterns, they might continue to need assistance with understanding themselves and emotions past the custody battle. A child with a poor understanding of love as conditional on loyalty may not be able to trust adults later in life or develop emotional closeness with others. There is a belief that any potential partner will behave as the child anticipated their parents would behave, that they will, in some way, end up abandoned. The impact of alienation on the child goes beyond that of just the parent/child relationship, as alienation affects how the child views connections with others, their ability to communicate with others, and how safe they feel emotionally.
The observations that kids have about the relationships around them have a large influence on their learning experience. If kids are raised in an environment where love comes from emotional agreement or loyalty, they could also view relationships as unstable & possibly conditional.
As children grow up, they may develop difficulty expressing their opinions as adults due to fear of rejection or conflict. Some children develop emotional barriers to protect themselves from additional hurt or abandonment, while some become excessively reliant on needing validation from others before expressing disagreement. Trust is often fragile because the child may have learned through early relationships that emotional differences could cause sudden changes between people.
Long-term effects on identity can also occur. Children frequently perceive themselves to be tied to both parents, and when one of the parents is repeatedly devalued or rejected by the other parent or by someone close to the other parent, the child may unconsciously reject aspects of himself/herself that correspond to the rejected parent. Over time, this can lead to deepening problems with self-esteem and emotional stability.
The effects can often be hard to discern, as many children have a façade of good functioning, but emotionally have a lot of confusion that can persist into adulthood.
Importance of Early Recognition and Support
Parental alienation is one of the more sensitive and complex family dynamics/issues to discuss, but not all difficult relationships between a parent and child are due to an alienating parent. Each family circumstance must be carefully reviewed and understood before concluding. When a child is impacted by emotional pressure as it relates to their parent-child relationship, it is critically important to acknowledge and define this concern early on.
Children require a supportive environment in which to build independent memories and emotions, without being concerned about their actions disappointing either parent. This support – including reassurance that having love for one parent does not imply that one must betray the other – is also critical to help children maintain emotional balance during this difficult time.
By working with mental health professionals, families can identify unhealthy dynamics as they emerge before they become entrenched. Family-based interventions, communication structures, and emotional safety can relieve pressure on children and assist in maintaining important relationships with significant others. For parents, this means focusing on their child’s emotional well-being rather than the conflict that they are involved in. A child should never carry the responsibility of adults’ emotional conflicts.
Protecting a Child’s Ability to Love Freely
A child involved in a custody dispute struggles with their own understanding of relationships and loyalty, as well as how they feel safe emotionally. During a parental alienation situation, the child loses their ability to love openly and freely as a result of fear, pressure, or emotional obligations placed upon them by others involved in the child custody evaluation.
The harm created from this damage is generally not loud or immediate; it is formed gradually over time by repeated emotional experiences between children and their caregivers that gradually form their perceptions and feelings. Because of the nature of this situation, it is important to be patient, balanced, and knowledgeable/understanding about how the situation impacts children concerning external relationships. The way that children maintain their emotional ties should be done so without being made to feel that it is necessary to earn love through being loyal to one of their parents. Supporting this freedom of choice is one of the most important shared responsibilities of both adults and courts during custody-related issues.
